Sunday, September 2, 2012

I don't believe in retail therapy.

I was reading one of my favorite blogs tonight (Enjoying the Small Things) and felt especially moved by some of Kelle's words. If you've ever read her blog, you may understand that this is not really out of the ordinary, as most of the things she writes about usually hit home in one way or another. But tonight, these simple words of hers made got me motivated:

"Isn't that what writing is really about though? We write to help ourselves."

And so tonight, I write. And since I don't write here often, I usually open with some sort of apology, or a promise that I'll write here more often. But I won't be doing that this time. This time I'm writing for me. Because I need a little help. The kind of help that can only come from within, and perhaps writing will be the way I can do so.

I am incredibly homesick. I've never felt this homesick before. We've been living in Tampa for for 13.5 months now and it's the longest I've ever been away from my hometown. Other than college, of course, but I can hardly count that since I was home so often.

I know moving away and starting your own life is some sort of right of passage, coming-of-age thing that most adults go through, but I'm seriously struggling.

Or those of you who don't know a ton about me, you'll need I understand a bit about where I'm from. A tiny town in the Adirondack mountains in upstate (the REAL upstate) New York. The kind of town that teenagers cans wait to get out of and swear they'll never return to. I was that teenager. But I quickly learned, and am constantly reminding myself that it's also the kind of town you're lucky to be from, you'd be lucky to raise your family in.

Im a family and friends girl, through and through. I need my family and friends like I need food and water. I know that sounds dramatic but I'm slowly learning more an more just how painfully true this is about me.

And I'm slowly beginning to realize how much I'm hurting without them.

I've been homesick for a while now. But this week has proven to be the real kicker. My husband has been out of town for work for the past week and will e gone for one more. Then he'll be home for like one week before leaving again for another two. One week without him already and I'm freaking lonely. He is my best friend and the strongest part of me. I'm doing a great job without him here, as far as just getting through the daily things alone. But him not being here has really made it sink it just how lonely I am living here.

Because of the large family I'm from and the amount of friends I was blessed to have growing up, I have always just been used to having a lot of people around. I have so many cousins! And even though I am one of many, we each have our own individual bonds and relationships that I am so proud of. The same goes for all of my aunts and uncles and grandparents. Just so many people that are such a huge part of my life, that I just feel like I (and belle!) am missing out on. The same goes for my friends, and yes I know, you're friends grow up and move away, but that's not exactly true in my case. When you're from a great town like I am, a lot I people eventually realize just how great it is, as many of my friends have done. Many of them are buying homes, starting businesses and families there. And I feel like I'm missing out on a huge part of them. I want to be a part of that.

I have the most amazing in-laws and could never thank them enough for how helpful they are. I seriously don't know where we'd be without them. They help Ryan and I out in more ways than I could count and are more than amazing grandparents to Annabelle. I wanted to make all of that clear because in my saying that I'm lonely I don't want it to be seen as not acknowledging how much of a strength and blessing they are to me.

It's just that seeming them with Annabelle an the bond they have with her and she with them, while it makes me happy and proud it also makes me feel sad and guilty.

I feel so guilty that my parents don't get that with her. And that she doesn't get that with them. An it's my fault. And part of me feels selfish, because I feel bad that I'm missing out on Annabelle in certain ways, like I'm missing out on all of the first time mom excitement of sharing my new baby with the people I love. And I'll never get that time back.

And I could just keep going but I'm just going to stop and save everyone from my annoying-ness.

So anyway, I went to Target today to buy some cleaning supplies and easy, self-feed able breakfast foods for Annabelle at daycare and got totally sidetracked in the home goods section. As always. For anyone who hasnt see been to our house, you should know, our belongings are basically still a combination of crap he and I collected through college, etc. we don't have much stuff and what we do have isn't great. Or new. Since we've been together we've moved around so much and ever felt settled enough to start making big purchases, or little ones for that matter. Money always seems to be "better" spent on other things, food, classroom, insurmountable college loan debt that will never actually be paid off and is ruining our lives but that's another story altogether. Anyway. On top of all my homesickness, I've been feeling like our home is the furthest thing from "homey" so today I bought a few things to make our bedroom more cozy. A little retail therapy. Even though I don't believe in that because every time I say "it's retail therapy" I always end up feeling bad spending money on such items instead of the above mentioned-more important needs. But today I did it. Sat in the store contemplating until I said "screw it, I'm homesick, stressed over a new job I feel totally unprepared for, missing my husband, I'm buying the darn bedroom decor!" and when I left I felt pretty good about my purchases. Bought a duvet cover Ive been looking at for a while (comforters are too hot for FL), new sheets, a new pillow and two adorable new bedside lamps. The lamps being my favorite purchase. And then at the end of the evening, after Annabelle was asleep, I excitedly went out to unpack all of my purchases from the car. I open the door, grab the pillow and as I do so, a bag falls from the seat, and I hear the shatter. And my heart dropped and I knew it was one of the lamps. And in one sweeping moment I look down, mumbled some not so lady-like words and cried. A stupid lamp had me in tears.

I almost said "screw it" and didn't set any of it up but after a quick text chat with Ryan about how homesick I am and a little pity party cry on the bed and I pushed myself to "just change the bed you baby!" and I'm glad I did. Crazy how just adding a duet cover can change a whole room. We usually just each have our own unmatched sheets and unmatched pillow cases, so the change was huge from our norm. And it made me feel good. Although, it would have looked better with TWO MATCHING lamps!

I've attached a few pics but when using blogger on my phone I can't put them in a specific place so I have no idea if they'll end up right here, at the top, or at the bottom of the page! Also, of course I forgot to take a "before" picture so I jut grabbed one off instagram from a few months ago when we used the "sidecar crib" to get Belle used to her crib. Although please note, even that picture was not a true representation of the mess that our bed usually is. Lol.

Well, thanks to anyone who actually read this long rambling-self-pity of a post. But I just needed to write these things out, and wow, it always amazes me how much writing out your thoughts really does help. So thanks for "listening".

If your reading, maybe you'd like to help- please leave a comment and share what are some things you've done to help yourself through homesickness?

And to my family and friends back home- I love you all and miss you very much. And I'm so sorry for taking my little Belle so very far away from you.